I can’t start this review without telling you two things. They’re kind of warnings, but let’s call them disclaimers. First, if you’re even thinking you might have a passing interest in seeing The Cabin in the Woods, stop reading this review. In fact, read nothing about it before you actually view it in its entirety and return home from the theater or are at the bar where you go for your post-movie drinks or slice of pie. There will be spoilers. There are always spoilers, but particularly in this review, there will be spoilers and to appreciate this movie, you need to be free of the aforementioned spoilers.Second, I’ve worshipped at the altar of Whedon since my 16-year-old self caught his first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on The WB. So, I’m going to confess right now it was somewhat predestined for me to enjoy this one, co-written by Joss Whedon and Buffy alum Drew Goddard. That being said, The Cabin in the Woods is a piece that will surely divide hardcore genre lovers and cinephiles, leaving many debating whether it’s brilliant…or bullshit. I throw my support behind the former.
It starts out with cryptic office coworkers Sitterson (Richard Jenkins) and Hadley (Bradley Whitford), worried about the success of their project. Their coworker (Amy Acker, the first of many Whedon alums to make an appearance) reminds them of the importance of their mission, which takes place mysteriously in some sort of underground lair. Also, there’s a team in Japan, and the two of them are the last operations left active before a big looming deadline.
Then, we get to the familiar story of five college friends—the slutty blonde (Anna Hutchinson), the jock boyfriend (Chris Hemsworth), the quiet virgin (Kristen Connolly), the sensitive scholar (Jesse Williams), and the sidekick stoner (Fran Kranz)— who embark on a trip to the isolated titular cabin, ready to blow off steam with a keg of beer and no school books in sight. But, there are some differences from the typical slasher formula—the stoner’s keenly observant, the slutty blonde is a pre-med brunette with a recent dye job, the brawny jock is a sociology major, and the virgin is, well, not. Still, as Sigourney Weaver later reminds us, they work with what they can get.
After an encounter with a creepy gas station attendant (Tim De Zarn) who reports back to the mysterious office team about the quintet’s progress, the group starts to settle into the house and we learn that nothing’s what it seems. People are taking bets on weird outcomes involving unicorns and mer-people. Plus, they’re kind of watching everything that’s happening on hidden cameras.
Late that night, the group discovers a creepy basement and a series of objects that each pique their interest—a necklace, a puzzle ball, a ballerina music box, and…an old diary. The diary details horrific traumas of the house’s first inhabitants and invites the reader to release their spirits with a Latin incantation, which they recite against the stoner’s warnings, thus raising the zombies, whom I spent about an hour debating if they were “real” in terms of the movie world or Animatronic-Americans. Turns out they’re real. Chaos ensues; people die, and eventually our two last survivors discover a secret.
After taking the Wonka-vator down into the bowels of the office structure, they discover all of the creatures that inhabit human nightmares in a sort of high tech zoo and realize they’d chosen their own fate with the journal, releasing the zombies into the cabin environment rather than a ghost, werewolf, or giant cobra creature. To save themselves from their mysterious captors, the survivors let all of the nightmare creatures out. More chaos ensues and we learn the office is actually the last line of defense between the old gods, who seek to rise and destroy creation, and us. They require a specific sacrifice a la the horror movie cliche formula in order to be sated below.
Joss Whedon created Buffy out of sympathy for the blonde girl that goes down a dark alley in every horror movie and never gets her chance to make it to the sequel. The Cabin in the Woods is the opposite of all of that and a weird blend of it at the same time. The movie was made three years ago for MGM, pre-bankruptcy and dissolution. It was only recently purchased by Lionsgate and given a theatrical distribution after several premiere dates had come and gone.
I know it seems like I’ve given a lot away in my summary, but I warned you. Still, there’s a lot going on I didn’t mention, so if you didn’t listen, a few things could still surprise you. The archetype breakdown of the quintet is nothing short of genius, and little moments of exposition provided by Acker’s chemical engineer, like the cognitive dampeners in the blonde hair dye, were pitch perfect to form a larger, Matrix-like series of questions we should be asking. How are these people chosen? How long has this gone on? How do you even get a job in that office? Why is free will so important to a sacrifice?
The performance of the ensemble is pretty even, but the clear standout is Dollhouse alum Fran Kranz, whose Marty not only cheats death, but becomes something of a hero as the movie progresses. I take slight issue with the ending, but at that point I was so swept up, I’m willing to overlook it. The tone is somehow perfectly balanced between witty laugh-soliciting jokes, creepy and genuinely scary slasher moments, and utter WTF absurdity that will leave your mouth slightly agape while you’re staring at the screen. The pacing of the unravel and reveals are timed so, at least upon first viewing, I always found myself with more questions than answers and constantly guessing.
The Cabin in the Woods earns its place as a companion for Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead 2 and Drag Me To Hell, maybe even a part of a future Grindhouse-esque double feature. Its satirical deconstruction of the slasher film isn’t as poignant as Scream, leaning more heavily on the absurdity of the situations the characters encounter. Still, whichever side you end up on, be sure you catch it before the twist(s) get out. Go. Now.
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